I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just high enough for therapy.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
