Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
