He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
