Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize