ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
