im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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