Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
