i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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