it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
