a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
