just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
