just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
