Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My dick has a subreddit
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
