She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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