Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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