They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
