FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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