I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
