I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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