He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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