I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
