tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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