I think I just saw someone hide a body.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize
