My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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