nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
