Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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