How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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