I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
