You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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