i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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