Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
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