im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
