she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
