It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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