I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
