so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
