were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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