I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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