He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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