she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
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i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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