the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
