you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
