Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
