I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
