I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
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