I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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