i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Randomize
