remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
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The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
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I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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