Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
