I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
