Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
