Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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