I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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