I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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