You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
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I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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