did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
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Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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