only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
